May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have One more place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is that he ought to halt using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the venture, replied, "You recognize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It's not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down support."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the Trump Tower Damascus tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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